Defining Moments

In life we have something we call “defining moments.”  Maybe it was the day you decided to quit your job and be a stay-at-home mom.  Maybe it was when you woke up one day and decided you weren’t going to let depression defeat you anymore, or you decided to finally quit smoking. Maybe it was the moment you promised to start pursuing your dream. You know what I’m talking about.  It could mean anything.  Big or small. A defining moment is a point when one comes face to face with a truth–and is forever changed by it.

One of the most defining moments I have ever encountered occurred as a result of my husband losing his job seven months ago.  It came in the midst of a difficult time during which he was finally, after years of procrastination, seeking medical attention and council for an anxiety disorder.  His symptoms were increasing rapidly and really affecting his work, but we were secure in the fact that God was at work, too.

I’ll never forget the day when I heard Jason’s footsteps coming up the stairs, hours earlier than usual.  I was playing on the floor with the kids in their room when I looked up at him standing in the hallway.  My heart was pounding in my chest.  Immediately our eyes connected, and I knew. While neither of us knew what to say right away, especially in front of the kids, his face exuded relief.  Although my heart nearly stopped, it wasn’t panic in me that took me by surprise.  In the midst of this rush of emotion, I, too, felt relieved.  How is this possible?  Most people would probably be worried and upset right off the bat.  But you see, this is what made this moment so defining.  From that point on, it was as if our hearts knew change was coming.  We were desperate for it.  Even though the next few months would be strange, uncertain, life-altering months, we chose to look at this not as a bomb that was being dropped on us, but as a God-given opportunity for renewal.

We eventually jumped into uncharted territory, asking God to lead and guide us like we never had before, praying that we wouldn’t fall into the same ruts again.  He allowed us to sell our house in record time, including almost all of our belongings.  We took a giant leap of faith and moved clear across the country of all things.  Far away from nearly all of our loved ones, far away from our familiar life of patterns and circles.  One friend described to me that it felt like we were about to blaze the Oregon Trail, looking to settle new territory.  So much unknown, yet hearts full of hope.  Here we are now, seven months later, and I’m having increasingly more defining moments than ever.  But not the big kind like the move, just small ones with big impact.  Like tiny, shining jewels, little revelations of truth keep popping up around me, causing me to rethink the recipe of our lives.  I’m grateful my eyes are being opened again to these moments.  As I observe our simple surroundings, our few possessions, our small family life, I’m focused and aware that nothing is as it was, yet everything is moving forward. I am coming awake to God’s Presence in the world.  We made it through some extremely hard decisions, and here we are, pressing on, bearing the promise of His constant love and provision.  In this gently stripping away of all things familiar, there are opportunities to see everywhere, to take stock of all that we have and all that we are, and with a clean slate, start paying attention.  I now find myself not afraid to get rid of old habits, or embrace new ones that will actually benefit me and my family.  I find I’m making meaning out of what I see.  Whether good or bad, I want to call it what it is, and be brave enough to do something about it.

Do you ever feel like you’re in a boat and you’re trying hard to hold tightly to the sides so as to not let anything rock your world?  Or maybe you’ve got your eyes shut tight and you’re coasting in auto-pilot because you are afraid of what you might find if you take a good look around?  Faith is having the courage to let go of the sides of the boat.  Faith is having eyes open to see what God is doing, especially in the mess.  Did you know that the sea often represents chaos in the Bible?  Life can get pretty dull and lifeless when we refuse to let Him call us out upon the waters.  That’s where God wants us, striding on top of the chaos with Him, not stuck and afraid.

Never again do I want to let years pass where we fail to address difficult issues in our lives.  We let habits come in, and let old patterns that help us feel good dominate the things that should have really mattered to us enough to deal with them a long time ago.  We were too comfortable in “survival mode,” too asleep, or else too self-protected to let anything change, lest whatever good thing we had in the boat be shaken.  No more.  Let that bomb of reality, the one meant for your distrution, shake you to a place of unknown, unrest, and a new beginning.

A truly defining moment is an invitation for intentional living.  It’s a call to bravery.  It requires listening, and action.  It means obedience to the spirit and the truth.  It’s not always bliss, and it’s not always safe, but it tastes of the real stuff that life is made of, the transforming power of Jesus.

Feb 5, 2014, edited March 21, 2018

i miss people

not that I don't my kids.

but i just realized today that i officially just miss people.

i know that sounds silly.

i was talking to the worker in claire's boutique today.  the kids and i were out doing a little wandering and admiring.  i told the manager that we were just out having some fun, and then i said it out loud, "i just miss people."  she laughed and said that's exactly why she could never stay at home.  she loves her kids, but being around them 24-7 would drive her crazy.  i guess when i think of it, i'd be crazy like that too, but GOD is showing me a new way to enjoy life now.

here's a shocker: people need people!

i know i've thought about it a lot lately.  i love this season i'm in.  i'm writing through it, partly to stay sane, and partly to process, and partly just to connect with anyone who may read.  connecting is so vital to life.  writing makes me feel like i can use it in ways to connect with people, in a way i may not ever connect in any other way.  connecting: it gives us life to touch lives with others.

working in the home, my kids are my world. i love spending time with them.  i was watching sadie today at the park, how she lit up when she spotted her sibling just a few feet away, climbing the rock climbing wall; she jogged over to see him.  it just made my heart light to see her enjoying simplicity.  i wouldn't trade this time for anything.  i just have to be a little more creative and intentional about connecting with people.  i love that GOD is using this time in my life to remind me how beautiful HIS people are. and by people i even mean people in general, everybody!  how special of a creation we are, above all other creation.  how unique of beings we are.  and the power that is put in us to bring about HIS kingdom on earth, spreading love and truth everywhere we go.  it's amazing.  and i am learning all this with the lesson of the "without" because i feel so held back and not in connection with many people at all in the present circumstances, and yet when i get a chance i think i might just explode!

i pray i can keep pressing through this difficult, messy and glorious path i am on, glean whatever i can that will help me spread HIS good news wherever i go whenever i can.  i want to enjoy the journey and not just the destination, as they say.  the grass is definitely greener here when you stop and look.  i have so much to be thankful for.

The way I dance is by writing

Quoted from Bird by Bird, Hillel (whoever that is):

"I get up.  I walk.  I fall down.  Meanwhile, I keep dancing."

Lamott adds, "The way I dance is by writing.  So I wrote about trying to pay closer attention to the world, about taking things less seriously, moving more slowly, stepping outside more often."

That, I think, is where I am at right now.

The Bubble

So I've got the kids in bed, candles are lit, my Meiko channel on Pandora in the background, and I'm ready to write.  I'm ready to step outside the "bubble" for a minute, as if that's even possible.  I'm starting to think of this life season as a bubble.  It's a fun and interesting bubble, changing shapes and colors, but one thing remains the same, it's round and enclosed and I can't get out.  Once in awhile when someone, like tonight, let's me get out "on my own," it's really like a momentary fleet.  I feel like the whole trip to and from Kroger I'm coming out of my alien-like state.  I walk tall and try to breathe.  I try to look the man on the bread aisle in the eyes and force a casual smile.  I breathe and attempt small-talk with the cashier.  By the time I'm heading back to my car I might feel like a normal person again.  Then I go back to my bubble.

It's nice in here.  That's because I've declared it a blessed bubble.  I'm no dummy.  I know we have it good. My Father is just that good.  I have my days as we all do.  Most people don't have any idea what happens inside my bubble.   Sometimes that's the part that is the hardest.  He sees though.

They don't know about the silly songs we make up about trash and diapers and grapes and suds in the bath.  They don't see us touch noses, and they don't see me tear up when you say such sweet things to my heart.  I don't get to touch people outside much besides those inside my bubble, you and our boys.  I escape out a window once in awhile, meet a friend or, like tonight, go to the grocery store without my bubble buddies.

But I've come to accept this bubble in this time and space.  It's cozy and hard and I'm learning a lot.  I'm watching them grow.  I'm taking it all in, as I'm told to do quite often, "They grow up fast!"  Sometimes I push against the wall of the bubble; I long for something different.  But then I realize it's useless, and God reminds me, "Everything's okay."  I think how hard it would be to go back to work.  Work a job and then come home and do all this!?  My heart goes out to those moms who do it "all."  Crazy-overwhelming to think of it.

I'm thankful for the bubble; this short story I am living in.  I know it's going to pop one day and I'm going to miss the small, confined space where we stared at each other all day, looking for ways to entertain ourselves, laughing together, sometimes bored, sometimes slamming doors, tickling till the hiccups start, making messes, making memories.  My kids are going to grow big and tall and hit your heads at the top of the bubble and it will burst all of a sudden.  I am going to say, "Hey, what just happened?  What now!?"

I hope I don't fall and hurt myself.

They will be fine.  They'll create their own bubbles.

Getting used to the bubble takes time.  I'll look back and miss it.  So I'm going to pay attention now as much as possible, and make this bubble last.

Just thinking...

If you ever stop yourself from doing something because you are afraid someone else has done it before, or they are doing it everywhere already, and most likely what you have to offer isn't going to measure up, stop and think.  You are cutting yourself off from the flow that wants to come out of your heart.  Take no thought to what others are doing when you have a need to express.  Otherwise you, and people, will never get to see your true potential.  And God made each of us with the capacity to create great things, because He is great. Be fearless.  I pray for that tenacity.  I don't want to miss out on what He's doing.

Dry Bones

Why do people get drunk?

Think about it.  Why do people get drunk?  It's an escape from pain. It's the need to flow without inhibitions.  Without anxiety.  It feels good to have that relaxed energy dictating your actions.  It's freedom.  It causes you to express yourself without barriers.  You get outside of your head; you don't think too much.  Thinking hurts. That's the basis of freedom.  Not bound to how you ought to feel, ought to think, ought to be doing.  Who wouldn't want to be drunk, really?  Who wants to be stuck with all of this garbage we are carrying around with us every day?  Drunkenness frees us from responsibility. This makes me sounds stupid, I realize.  You might be thinking drunkenness is wrong. It hurts others.  It feels bad the next day.  God tells us not to get drunk.  It's irresponsible.  All true.  I'm just talking about the why.  Forget all the rules.  What in the depth of man drives him to the bottle?  Even if it's just a little drunk, even tipsy.  Why?  I think it answers a deep longing in every soul.  It can be explained, and so here's my attempt.
God tells us in His Word to not get drunk on wine, but instead be filled with the Spirit. You can understand getting filled with the Spirit and being led by the Spirit when you compare it to the feeling of being drunk.  I'm not condoning drunkenness.  But having this experience does help you understand the spirit of man, and God's spirit to dwell in us.  The Holy Spirit is God's indwelling nature in man.  He fills us like wine.  He feels good. He moves us.  He shows us things we wouldn't otherwise know.  He makes us move out of our spirit/heart and get out of our head knowledge box.  He may cause us to do something we think is foolish. He will take the credit for His actions through us.  We will have to let go of our pride to let Him intoxicate us.  Him taking the credit will be others saying, "Look, this guy is drunk.  That's the beer talking."  Same way with the Spirit.  That is not Christy, that is the Spirit talking.  It's amazing that that God fills us.  It's Biblical.  Just look at all the ways the apostles flowed in the Spirit.  People thought they were drunk when they were speaking in tongues.  People didn't understand how such uneducated men could have such understanding and wisdom and power.  People will think you are crazy when you forgive and show mercy when someone does you wrong and should never be so deserving.  This ludicrousness  is the beauty of His Spirit.  He does what we cannot do.  He empowers.  He fills.  He is intimately connected to our mind, soul and body.

Don't settle for the counterfeit ways of the world.  It feels full, but it is eternally empty.  God is the only one would can give you the authentic ecstasy you are looking for.  It begins with a man who poured out his wine blood for you.  Drink of Him.  Repent from within.  And see how He has destined each of us to be His dwelling place.  Let Him make His home in your heart, and intoxicate others with His goodness.  He will do it.  Cheers!